


'a ghost with a beating heart.'

by sighingfawn



Series: “There is, in the end, the letting go.” [3]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder, M/M, Mention of eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-11 02:36:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2050167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sighingfawn/pseuds/sighingfawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'“Are you ready?” Joel throws the last of the bags into the backseat and slams the door shut.<br/>“Yeah. Did we really pack that much stuff?” Ray laughs before trying to stifle a yawn.<br/>“A week is a long time!” Joel argues back as he looks down at his feet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	'a ghost with a beating heart.'

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry that this is another sad Joel/Ray story. I have another chapter in mind but I don't know.

“Are you ready?” Joel throws the last of the bags into the backseat and slams the door shut.   
“Yeah. Did we really pack that much stuff?” Ray laughs before trying to stifle a yawn.   
“A week is a long time!” Joel argues back as he looks down at his feet.   
Joel double checks that front door is locked while Ray climbs into the car, a sense of discomfort sweeping over him as he looks again at the amount of bags.   
“Wanna pick the station?” Joel offers as he backs out of the driveway.   
“You never let me pick.” Ray furrows his eyebrows but begins flicking through the stations anyway.   
“You’ll be asleep for most of the ride, might as well let you pick a few songs before you pass out.”   
Ray makes a noise of agreement as he relaxes back into the seat. “I am fucking tired.”   
“You know why.” Joel keeps his eyes on the road despite feeling the harsh look Ray is shooting him.   
“If this is how it’s going to be then this week is going to feel longer.” Ray snaps forward and shuts the radio off.  
“Sorry.”   
“Right.”   
“No really Ray. I am sorry.” Joel looks at him and the tension in the car disappears   
Ray reaches over and squeezes his shoulder. “No. I’m being unfair.” He turns the radio back on before he leans back again, burrowing deeper into Joel’s jumper that he snagged this morning.   
“It’s fine.” Joel tries to smile but it blurs at the edges. “Are you warm enough?” He asks after a moment.  
When Ray doesn’t reply Joel glances over and see’s that he is asleep, the collar pulled up over his mouth and his arms tucked around his chest.   
Joel can taste the guilt.   
  
The sun was blinding in the sky when Joel pulls over on the side of the road and cries. He stuffs his fist into his mouth and closes his eyes as his shoulders shake. He would pound on the steering wheel and scream into his arms if he thought it wouldn’t wake Ray up but even with sleeping pills he is sure that how loud he wants to scream would be enough to wake the dead. He wonders if Ray is dreaming or if the sleeping pills are making him drown in darkness like his other medication used to. After a few minutes he wipes at his eyes and tries to calm down.   
“You’re helping him. You’re helping him.” Joel whispers as he starts the car again.   
  
He pulls into the driveway of Ray’s parents house and sits in the quiet of the car staring at the front door until it opens. The look of anxiety on Ray’s mothers face makes him turn his head.   
“Is he asleep?” She asks Joel when he gets out the car and makes his way towards her.   
“Yeah. I gave him a sleeping tablet this morning.” He doesn’t look at her as he talks, afraid that she will blame him for the state of her son.   
“I know it was for the best, Joel.” Her voice is so soft and calm that Joel starts to cry again. “He has been putting off visiting us for months now. There was no other way.”   
“It’s not just a visit.”   
Her arms pull him close despite the height difference and he savours the way she feels, the warmth solidness of a mother that cares and understands. “How bad is he?”   
Words fail him.   
“Oh.” She suddenly looks older.   
A car door slams behind them.   
“What the fuck are we doing here Joel?” Ray’s voice is dry and cracked with sleep.   
“Ray.” His mother gasps as he walks around the car revealing his thin legs and starving hollow cheeks.   
It’s almost funny, Joel thinks, how skinny he is. It seems impossible that somebody could still be walking and talking looking like he does.    
“What the fuck are we doing here?” He screams. “You said we were going to your parents!”  
“I’m so sorry Ray.” Joel moves towards him but Ray staggers back against the car.   
“Why are we fucking here?”   
“I can’t keep you safe any more Ray.” Joel fumbles with his words.   
“What are you talking about?”   
“You’re killing yourself.” His mother interjects, a tremble in her voice that in the years to come will break both Joel’s and Ray’s heart whenever the memory creeps into their consciousness.   
But right now, it makes Ray mad.   
“I’m fine.” His face twists viciously as he looks at both of them. “Take me home.”   
“I can’t Ray. Everybody agreed that this is for the best. Your health comes first.”  
“I am fucking healthy!”  
“You’re starving to death.” Joel takes another firm step forward.   
“Is this what its about? I’m fine. I’ll eat.” His mouth quirks into a smile. “It’s just been a busy few weeks in work.” The words are so practised and old.   
“No Ray. That’s not what it is. You’re sick.” Joel can feel tears rolling down his cheeks.   
“You can’t just leave me here Joel. What about our life? Work?” Ray says slowly, like Joel hasn’t thought about it all and talked to Matt and Burnie a million times to make sure that it was okay.   
“Everything is sorted out. You still work at Roosterteeth but you’re not coming back until you’re healthy.”   
“Fuck you.”   
“I’m sorry Ray.” Joel tries to hug him but Ray shrinks away.   
“You can’t leave me here. They’ll make me fat and ugly again.” Ray whispers.  
“They’ll help you.”  
“You don’t understand.” Ray suddenly lurches forward and tangles his fingers in the material of Joel’s tshirt. “You won’t love me when I’m fat and slow and fuck, Joel please just put me back in the car and lets go.”   
Joel puts his arm around Ray’s shoulders and starts to guide him towards the house. “I’m sorry but I can’t watch you die.”   
“I fucking hate you.” Ray screams as he tries to slide out of Joel’s grip. “I’ll never speak to you again you fucking asshole.”   
“You’ll understand one day.” Joel hears his voice crack as Ray’s words bounce around his head.   
“I’ll run away.” He screams at his mother as Joel leads him into the house.   
“No you won’t. Some part of you wants help sweetheart.” His mother sounds so strong and certain that Joel feels ashamed for letting himself be so weak. “Anything else he should know?”  
“When you decide people will come visit. Gavin wants to come up first. People want you better Ray, this isn’t a punishment or because nobody loves you any more.”   
“Right. That’s why everybody let me be fucking carted off.” Ray finally pulls himself free from Joel’s grip. “Tell them all to fuck off. Nobody will see me while I’m here. Especially not fucking you.”   
Joel swallows hard and tries to keep his voice steady. “Burnie said to check your emails when you can. You can keep my jumper until you get back. I love you Ray. I hope one day you understand and forgive me.”   
“Fuck you.” Ray pushes past Joel and he closes his eyes as he hears his boyfriend’s angry steps thumping up the stairs.   
“He doesn’t mean it Joel. He loves you more than anything. This disorder makes people say things they don’t mean just to keep it.” Ray’s mother says as she hugs him again.   
He doesn’t care.   
“When does he start therapy?”   
“Day after tomorrow. They’ll see if he should be hospitalised.”   
“Okay.” Joel looks around the room and his eyes rest on the spot where Ray stood. “Will you let me know what happens?”  
“Of course sweetheart. I’ll text you before I call. Send the boys my love and let them know he is going to be okay.” Her smile is watery and Joel thinks about how hard this must be for her and how some part of her must blame him.   
“Thanks. Tell him I love him when he calms down. Please.” He adds desperately.   
“Of course. You did the best you could Joel, you did exactly what we did for years until he needed hospitalising the first time. There is only so much you can do for somebody.”   
Joel just nods his head.  
“Is his stuff in the car?”  
“I’ll bring it in and then I should really drive back.” He looks up at ceiling.   
Ray’s mother doesn’t say anything, she desperately wishes she could just make Joel see that if Ray wanted to hurt himself, he would find away even if Joel watched him all day, that she doesn’t blame him for Ray getting sick again.  
She can see the guilt swallowing him. 

Joel brings the last bag in and hugs her goodbye for a long time. As he walks to his car he turns and see’s Ray’s angry tearful face in his old bedroom window. He makes it down the street before he pulls over and cries until the sunsets.

 


End file.
